Creepy Baby

Dear Creepy Baby,

First off, I'd like to say sorry. I probably shouldn't refer to you as "creepy". Personally, I've always found that a very insulting word. But, creepy baby, as you grow older, you will come to realize that human beings are composed of a variety of selves that we present to the many different people we encounter in our lifetime. The self that you have exposed to me, baby, is creepy. I merely communicate this fact. Please don't kill the messenger.

Secondly, I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you to Earth. From what I've seen of you, you've only been on this planet for about a year or so. This is probably the reason why you're committing the faux pas that you are. I assure you that I take your age into account. Nevertheless there is something that I wish to communicate.

Please stop staring at me.

I live in a relatively small apartment, and while the lighting in my home is adequate, I have always preferred natural sunlight to the electrical kind. This is the reason why I like to keep my living room drapes open.

Also, you may have noticed that I own a plant. It's not much of a plant, but I like it. It's the kind of plant that you can go for days without watering, and it doesn't complain. It does, however, require sunlight. This is another reason for me to expose my living room to the outside world.

When I began to keep my drapes open, I had no idea there would be any problems. Yes, there is the giant condominium across the street, with many windows facing my home. But I was quite confident that the people who lived there had much better things to do than watch me lying on the couch, watching TV. I'm a simple man, Creepy Baby. There is really not much that I do around the house that is particularly intriguing. Even the Thai food that I occasionally order and eat while I watch movies isn't very dynamic.

But you don't share this opinion, do you Creepy Baby? Obviously not. I make this assumption based on the fact that, every Saturday and Sunday, without fail, I can see you at your window, across the street, pressed up against the glass, taking in every single detail of me lying on my couch.

Why, Creepy Baby? What is so fascinating about a 32 year old (probably hung-over) man, stretched out on a couch? What is the attraction of my slovenly countenance? What is the appeal of my flannel pj bottoms and t-shirt? It seems that, every time I settle in to watch some crappy show on Much More Music, you're tuning in to a show of your own. The Jimmy Kayak Show! Today, Jimmy welcomes a nice hot mug of coffee, and a bagel! Prepare to be fascinated as he checks in on the Surreal Life, Season Five! Gape in trepidation as he plays some music, or puts in a DVD!

I don't mind performing in front of an audience, Creepy Baby, but I'd prefer to choose the time and place.

Look, Creepy Baby, I know you're new here. Let me give you a piece of advice. There is a big, huge, wonderful world out there, just waiting to be discovered! It's a fascinating universe, filled with art, and music, and people who do much more than nurse their headaches, talk on the phone, and read books!

Or at the very least, there are other windows in your condo!

In closing, Creepy Baby, let me say thank you for this opportunity to address this issue. You will, no doubt, discover that your life will be much more pleasant if you communicate your needs and wishes to those around you. My wish is that you quit staring at me. While I appreciate your interest, your attention, as of late, has been a bit too rapt.

I wish you the best of luck in all of your endeavors,

Jimmy Kayak