Monologue

Hey Reader,

Sometimes, instead of putting up a post, here, I'm going to put up some of the stuff I've written over the years. This is one of those things.

I wrote this monologue a few years ago. At first, it wasn't a monologue, but a sketch that I wrote for my old Winnipeg comedy troupe, the Spleen Jockeys. Later, after I moved to Toronto, I found myself troupe-less, and I converted it into a monologue.

It was better as a sketch, though. We used to do it with real instruments. One of our members (Darren) was a drummer, so he'd sit behind the drum kit and randomly bash the cymbals and do random drum rolls and stuff during the sketch. You kinda had to be there, but it was pretty damn funny. His drum solos at the end were pretty kick-ass, too...

Anyway, enjoy.



Crisis At the Gig

Hold it! Stop! Stop the music!

Somebody stole our set list!

It was up here a minute ago. It was taped to the floor…right by my mic stand. And now it's gone.

Guys…we really need our set list, back. Seriously. I'm not joking at all. Bors…stop playing! I understand the irony of playing the theme from "Law and Order", but this isn't funny! That set list is a part of us! I wrote that set list before our drummer, Steve, even joined the band! Technically, that makes it a more important member that Steve!

Calm down, Steve…I was just making a point, that's all. Because you joined after...

You see? You see what's happening now, you set list thief? YOU'RE BREAKING US APART!

Okay…maybe it would help if I described the set list. It was a white piece of paper. A BLANK piece of paper. No lines…lines are like the bars of a jail cell! It was a blank piece of paper, and it had writing on it. It had our SONGS on it!

OUR songs!

And one song by Zeppelin, 'cause they totally rock.

Yes Steve, John Bonham was...why are we having this conversation! OUR SETLIST!

Somebody took it! They stole it! Probably when we were playing that last song…

Okay…enough of this. Give us back our set list! Steve, stop hitting that cymbal!

I don't want to point any fingers, or anything, but I think it might have been somebody in the front row. If it was…that's so bogus. The front row is for people who LOVE us! Not people who hate us, and want to fuck us over by stealing our set list! You people, in the front row, had access to the set list. One of you…possibly somebody from a rival band, reached out and took it, while I was singing. I was into my music, and you took advantage of me!

It's like YOU RAPED MY SONG! YOU FUCKER!

Okay, okay. I'm calm…I'm calm…

Look, I won't kick you out of the show. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm going to turn my back, and when I'm not looking, you can put the set list back. I'm turning around, now. So is the rest of the band. Guys, turn a round.

Steve…could you just…thank you. Okay. We're all turned around.

Okay…we're turning back. And…

No set list!

This is so bogus! Our set lists are like our children! Our only child! Because we only ever had the one. Set lists are really hard to put together, and we're the hardest working band in town! And now you stole it from us! You stole all our hard work!

YOU FUCKS! We loved that set list! I loved that set list!

Fine! I didn't want to do this, but it looks like we're going to have to put the show on hold for a while. The guys and I are going backstage to write another set list. Steve is going to play a drum solo until we get back.

Steve...NOT NOW!

I hope you're happy. I hope it was worth it. I hope our set list makes you happy. It made me pretty fucking happy, I can tell you that!

Hit it Steve.