That is not shocking news to anyone who lives in Toronto. Anyone who has relied on this pathetic transit system has, at one point or other (or several points and many others) been made late for work, dates, job interviews, movies, concerts, secret rendezvous, bank heists, and many, many other appointments…all because of the Toronto Transit Commission.
I can honestly say, without hyperbole, that the city of Toronto has the absolute worst transit system in the known Universe.
Nevertheless, the TTC is something that I find myself using.
It's not my #1 mode of transport. That prize goes to my legs. Number 2 goes to my bike.
But the TTC stands pretty firm at mode #3, since I don't own a car.
I suppose I could buy a car, but I don't want to. I hate owning stuff. And a car is a big piece of annoying, expensive, worrisome stuff that I don't really feel like complicating my life with.
But I digress...
This entry could easily be a gigantic bitch-fest about the TTC, but I'm not going to bother. The fact of the matter is, no matter how many pithy quips I come up with, I will never be able to come up with a bigger joke then the one the TTC already is. So I will now leave insulting the TTC, for now, and move on to the real topic of this entry:
Talking to strangers, on the subway/streetcar/bus.
This is an activity that I rarely engage in. When I'm on a tube full of strangers, my usual response is to crack open a book, crank up my ipod, and ignore everyone. There is, however, a minority of folk who feel the need to strike up a conversation with their fellow passengers. I find this interesting. Why do they do this?
Sometimes people do it because they're lonely and they require human contact.
There's one guy on my route who must be the loneliest human being on Earth. Every single time I see him, he's sitting by himself, trying to engage other passengers in conversation.
I call him Captain Blue Shirt. Because he's always wearing the same blue shirt. Maybe that's why he's so lonely. He never changes his shirt. It smells really bad.
Sometimes they're new to Toronto, or Canada, and they're getting acquainted their new home, or new language.
That was the case with a guy I rode with a few months back. He was a pharmacist from India, and was super stoked to be living in Canada. It was really great talking to him, actually. It reminded me that I live in a pretty fucking decent place.
Sometimes they're just plain ol' crazy.
One guy that climbs on my streetcar from time-to-time is a homeless guy who calls himself "Black Jesus". A ride with him usually entails watching him pace up and down the aisle, quoting from the bible and talking about how evil white people are. He raises a few valid points, but, for the most part, I find his "All White People Are Demons" stance lacking in some key areas. I don't think Black Jesus would be willing to engage in a healthy, free-form debate about his opinions, however, so I tend to keep quiet when he gets onboard.
Sometimes, when you're riding, a person gets on that you know, but not very well.
This is the worst!
Chances are, you're going to have to spend the whole rest of your ride making small talk with this person. It's kind of dumb because, for the most part, you don't really want to talk to this person, and they don't really want to talk to you either. So you both engage in a half-assed conversation about people you mutually know, and what you've both been up to lately, when all you both really want to do is read, or listen to music, or stare out the fucking window.
There are 2 ways of dealing with the almost-stranger. The most obvious one is to pretend that you don't see them. This may be your only course of action if you're the one who's already on the streetcar, and they're the ones that are climbing on. But if you are the Johnny-come-lately, this behavior is kind of rude.
If you're the person coming on, and you see the almost-stranger already seated, than the best thing to do is to acknowledge them. Smile! Wave! Say hello! Then keep walking to a seat that's further back.
There is no shame in not picking the seat that is closest to them. Remember…they probably don't want to talk to you, either.
And then there is the most mysterious, most intriguing of transit-rider interactions.
The pick-up.
Personally, I shy away from the transit pick-up. It's really, really, really hard to do. In fact, as hard as it may be to believe ('cause let's face it…I'm a pretty handsome guy), I've only done this once. I got her number, but it probably had more to do with the fact that it was a drunken, rowdy, Saturday night ride home then any amount of charm on my part.
But a lot of guys are into romance on the Red Rocket. I've seen tons of guys hit on girls while on the TTC and, while I do admire their cajones, they rarely get far. That being said, I did witness a guy getting digits from a girl on the 504 King, a few Saturday nights ago.
In fact I even helped him out a bit.
I shouldn't have needed to. When he climbed on the streetcar, he was sporting the most potent pickup weapon ever created.
He had a dog.
Here's a very simple equation.
Guy + Dog = 98% Pick up Rate. There are few reasons for this.
First of all, dogs are adorable.
Behold! The most potent of pick-up tools!
Secondly, dogs are the ultimate icebreaker. What better way to start a conversation than to talk about the dog?
Third, dogs are a great way to break the personal space barrier. The girl my not touch you, but she will pet your dog...and that's one step closer to physical contact.
And finally, a guy with a dog is obviously not afraid of commitment. He better not be! He owns a fucking dog! That's a huge responsibility!
But I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah…
So the guy gets on the streetcar with his frickin' adorable dog and sits down across from a pretty girl who, immediately, starts petting and fussing over the dog. They get to talking, and it looks like this guy's going to make off with her number, when suddenly, he's hit with an extremely formidable obstacle.
Captain Blue Shirt gets on.
He makes a bee-line for the dog guy! He sits down in front of the guy and starts asking questions about the dog! He asks questions about the breed! He discusses grooming, food, and exercise!
All the while, repelling boy, girl, and canine alike with his horribly reeky blue shirt!
Well, gentle reader, you'll be happy to know that, on this day, old Kayak was feeling like a good citizen. I assessed the situation, practiced breathing out of my mouth, and got up to provide much needed assistance.
Sitting down beside Captain Blue Shirt, I extended my hand, introduced myself, and asked about the Leafs game. For the rest of the ride I chatted amicably with my lonely new friend. I was extremely pleased and relieved to see the dog owner punching the girl's number into his cell phone before getting off at his stop.
That's one more reason to talk to strangers on the subway/streetcar/bus.
To stop a cock-block in progress.
Of course this means that, every time Captain Blue Shirt sees me on the streetcar, he's going to come over for a conversation.
I just thought of that.
Fuck!
Dog Guy, you better marry that girl. Seriously.
Jim Out
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