First of all…why are they called action figures? They just sit there. They’re, in no way, active. Unless you grab them around the waist and bop them up and down, like they’re walking down the street.
“Bum-de-bum-de bum. I’m bopping down the street. Man…that’s a big stapler!”
It seems to be fashionable for writers to have lots and lots of action figures. Pretty much every writer I know has scads of them spread out on their desk. They amass writer’s bookshelves and plead at you, trapped in unused coffee mugs, their arms raised in an silent howl to the Gods.
They used to stare at you from computer monitors, too. Than the lap-top was invented. It was a frontier lost to the action figure forever. Damn you, technology!
Why writers? Why collect toys? Is it a statement? Do you want me to ascertain, from your collection, that you prefer the D.C Universe over Marvel? Does having more C.O.B.R.A figures than G.I Joes make you some sort of bad-boy?
I'm not mocking. I appreciate collectors. I enjoy their passion and enthusiasm. I like their diligence.
Truth be told, I’m a bit jealous of collectors. They’ve found something small and personal that they believe in. They have carved a little niche of joy for themselves that I’m outside of.
Collectors populate a world of their own. I think that’s cool.
FLY, MY PRETTIES! FLY!
I, personally, am not a big action figure/pose-able collectable guy. I only have three: Sir John A. Macdonald, the first prime minister of Canada (thanks, Nug), My favorite super hero, The Flash (thanks, Ming) and Rowlf, my favorite muppet, complete with grand piano and bust of Beethoven (thanks, Lauren).
But there are lots of people, out there, who are really into collecting miniature figurines of their favorite comicbook/television/wrestling/historical characters. And it is to these citizens that I make my pitch.
I think somebody should make collectable action figures of well-known Torontonians.
Now, when I say “well-known Torontonians”, I don’t mean famous Torontonians. I’m quite sure that there is a (limited) market for “Mayor ‘Combat’ David Miller” and “David Suzuki: With Eco-Footprint Stomp Action!”. But these wouldn’t be Torontonian’s I would collect in action-figure form. The Torontonians that I would like to immortalize in miniature are the ones that we all see every single day, and recognize as those oft-passed over, unsung, characters that make Toronto great. My first line of figures would include:
1) ACTIVE SURPLUS GUY
Where would Queen Street West be without the sweet sound of this herald of miscellany?
“Active Surplus! Check it out, folks! You never know whatchagonna find!”
Every single day, rain or shine, Active Surplus Guy is there, handing out flyers and singing the praises of Toronto’s strangest, yet most useful, shopping experience. If ANYONE in this world deserves to be an action figure, it’s him!
Active Surplus Guy comes complete with removable orange windbreaker, and storefront background. GORILLA IN T-SHIRT Figure sold separately.
2) ZANTA
Poor Zanta! Everybody’s favorite knuckle-pushup, Santa-hat-wearing, muscleman has been banned from most of the downtown core. What a bunch of Zcrooges, they are, over at CITY TV, to ban him from doing push ups in the background during their telecasts! Well, Toronto, it’s time for us to push Zanta back up into this city’s limelight…with his own fully pose-able action figure!
The Zanta figure would come with (of course) a battery-powered push-up platform, and a removeable hat.
This fine fellow is, by far, my absolute favorite Toronto personality. To encounter him, you must go deep underground, into the city’s subway system. If you’re lucky, you will encounter a meek, yet friendly man, who will silently approach you, and hand you a pencil, and a newspaper crossword puzzle. Nothing brings him more joy than to watch you solve a few clues as you wait to reach your stop. Some commuters feel threatened when he appears, but you have no need to fear the Puzzler. Once you’re finished, hand him back his paper, and he’ll search for another willing participant. The Puzzler is one of the reasons why this city is so awesome…and it’s time we render his greatness in action figure form.
The Puzzler comes with a tiny pencil and a copy of the Metro Crossword page. Touch the pencil to The paper, and watch the Puzzler clap his hands with glee!
4) DRUM GUY
The Drum Guy pose-able sits behind his very own bucket drum kit, and is fully motorized! Play music, or clap your hands, and watch Drum Guy pound on the skins…er…plastic with you!
5) SHAKY LADY
Easily the most controversial figure in my line.
Fewer stories are more tragic than the fall of this tottering Toronto icon. The Shaky Lady was a street person who camped out in front of the subway station, at Younge and Bloor and sat pitifully on a blanket, trembling. So sad was her appearance that Torontonians and tourists alike opened their hearts and their wallets, showering her with bills and coinage…rarely less than a twoonie.
Then it all came tumbling down.
It turns out that the Shaky Lady was really Margita Bangová. And she didn’t live on the cold streets of Toronto at all! In fact, reporters Mike Strobel and Alex Urosevic followed her after a hard day’s begging…into a chevy Lumina, and all the way to a luxery apartment in Toronto’s east end. To add insult to injury, it was discovered that Margita had appeared in a documentary on Czech television, healthy and well-fed, urging others to immigrate to Canada.
We were played!
Nevertheless, no matter what you think of Margita Bangová AKA Shaky Lady’s antics, the fact is, she proved that, no matter what the rest of Canada thinks, Torontonians are good-hearted people who give to those in need. For that, she gets an action figure.
If you want to place her in your rogue’s gallery, that’s entirely up to you.
Shaky lady comes complete with blanket and a cardboard sign that reads “PLEASE HELP I AM VERY SICK I WILL PRAY FOR YOU THANK YOU”.
Batteries not included.
Okay, readers, it’s your turn. I predict that my first line of Toronto Character Action Figures is going to be an overwhelming success. We’ll need to come up with a second run, and I’m out of ideas. Who would you like to see make the next line?
No Maple Leafs allowed, though.
Except maybe Wendel Clark. He was kind of cool…
Jim out.
1 comments:
Oh, I'd totally buy a Shaky Lady action figure. I was on her trail for years, with photographs, bruises, stains, broken equipment and audio recordings ... I even had "shakylady.com" registered for a year or two. I'd so be down with that.
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