Dangerous Animals

Some animals are really dangerous.

If you were a person with a death wish, there are all sorts of animals out there that would happily dispatch you. You could get strangled by an octopus. You could fight a bear. You could even just pick up a turtle, not wash your hands, and then die of salmonella.

Here are some other animals that are extremely dangerous.


1) A Bird With a Really Hard Head

I work on the ninth floor of an office building. My desk is right in front of a window. A lot of people might think that I’m lucky to be so close to a window, but I disagree. So far, I have seen no less than 5 birds meet their demise by running into this window.

The problem is the window washers. They do too good a job. My window is kept so clean that birds can’t see the glass. One minute they’re flying along, singing a song, thinking their little birdie thoughts, then…BAM!

Right into the window.

This makes me very sad, because I really like birds. But it also makes me a bit scared.

I happen to believe in the process of evolution. I think that Charles Darwin was onto something when he suggested that, over time, various species will inherit various characteristics to give them more of an edge for survival.

Which makes me think. If I were a bird, and I was evolving, the first thing I would work on is getting a much, much harder head. That way, if I ran into a window, I’d just fly right through it!

One minute I’d be flying along, singing a song, thinking my little birdie thoughts, then…SMASH!

Right through the window!

And probably straight into the skull of the guy who is sitting behind the desk nearby.

Smashed in the face by a Hard Headed Bird. Not exactly my first choice for a way to go.


2) Land Mine Squirrel

Last summer, when I was riding my bike to work, a squirrel darted out in front of me. I didn’t have any time to stop, and I ran the little guy over.

Don’t worry…he was okay. Somehow he just got thrown up in the air, and when he landed he ran up a tree and gave me a very dirty look.

But this made me think. What if he had been a landmine squirrel? What if squirrels evolved in such a way that they exploded if they were exposed to a sudden impact?

It would make sense for them to do this. Predatory birds would certainly think twice before swooping down and snatching them up. Cars and bikes would definitely put on their brakes if they saw a squirrel in their path. This is probably the most logical evolutionary move the squirrel could make!

It is going to really, really suck when squirrels turn into landmine squirrels. Our parks will be full of casualties. Cats will be horribly maimed. Skippy Peanut butter will need to find a new mascot.

We need to stop this madness before it starts!


3) Talking Dog

A lot of people think that having a talking dog would be great!

I beg to differ.

Sure, at first it would really nice if your pet dog could talk. You’d be able to reason with them when they tried to eat your food, or drink out of the toilet. They’d be much better equipped to communicate their needs to you, such as when they need to be fed, or go outside. And if you had a talking dog, you’d always have someone to have a conversation with! You’d never be lonely again!

But I predict that, before long, the disadvantages would start to outweigh the advantages.

Think about it. Your dog is privy to some pretty sensitive information. A lot of people get naked in front of their dogs. Some people even have sex in front of them! Your dog has probably seen you whiff your own farts, pick your nose, and eat a whole container of 5 cheese dip, right out of the container.

If you do drugs, your dog knows. If you look at internet pornography, your dog knows. If you practice yoga, just to see if you can give yourself a blowjob…guess what? YOUR DOG KNOWS!

Right now, all that doesn’t matter. Because your dog can’t talk. Well…he can probably talk to other dogs, but that’s not so bad. Dogs put up with a lot of crap from people, so I’m not that worried if they want to share a bit of a laugh about us, between friends of the same species.

But, if dogs learned to talk, it wouldn’t be long before they learned to blackmail. Owning a dog is already very expensive. Do we really need to add hush money to the equation?

I say no.


4) Land Shark

Saturday Night Live can joke about this shit all they want.

But if sharks figure out how to walk around on land, we’re all fucked!


5) Ninja Chimpanzee

Oh, man…

I think the only thing scarier than a real ninja would be a Ninja Chimpanzee. This creature would not only have the stealth and skill of a ninja, they would also have the primal instincts of a chimpanzee!

A Ninja Chimpanzee would be worth at least 10 regular ninjas! They could climb trees way better than people. They’re smaller, but probably just as strong. They’re probably way faster.

And they could fling their poo with deadly accuracy!

Ninja Chimpanzees are probably the greatest potential threat to humanity as we know it.

And the bad news is…they’re already training!





It's the beginning of the end, everbody!

Despite the overwhelming odds against us, I shall stand by you all against the tyranny of our Ninja Chimp oppressors.


Jim out