Endings

I rarely use this blog to talk about my personal life.

This is for a couple of reasons. First, I am an intensely private person. Second, I’ve always figured that people have enough personal shit of their own to deal with, without having to think about mine.

But today I feel like breaking my little rule and getting a bit personal.

It’s my blog. I make the rules. And I break them. So here goes.

I’m feeling really, really sad today.

A profound abiding sadness. One that is inspires deep guttural sighs to tranquilize it, and stop it from growing.

This is not the sudden shock of sadness upon receiving bad news. Nor is it the overwhelming sadness of losing something or someone dear to you.

It is a sadness that is born from the knowledge that there are endings near at hand. It’s an acknowledgment that nothing can deliver me from feeling pain when these endings occur. It’s a sadness that wonders if, had I done something different at some point…any point…these endings wouldn’t be looming. But it’s also one that knows that such a speculation is just a bit foolish.

Endings.

Yep…they abound these days. It sucks, but there really isn’t much to be done about them, other than acknowledge them, suck them up, and move on.

There’s one that’s already occurred, and I feel like I’ve dealt with sufficiently.

There’s one that I’m bringing on myself, and feel quite good about.

There’s one that I wish wouldn’t happen, but the seeds of which were planted a very long time ago. I’m an innocent bystander to this ending, and I refuse to beat myself up over it.

And there’s the one that I feel coming, but that I’m not sure I want to happen yet. This one’s going to hurt. I feel like it might be worth fighting this ending, but when one does battle with an ending, there are two things that must be remembered:

1) Endings have a way of gathering momentum when they approach.

2) Any ending worth fighting is worth fighting fairly. And sometimes it’s only fair to let the ending win.

There it is. My inventory of endings. A tidy little shopping list of sadness that, today, I have chosen to pore over. Each one will affect me in it’s own way.

I don’t think this is a bad thing. Endings happen to everyone. And they can hold incredible restorative powers. Endings are a little graduation into another, stronger version of ourselves. In a way, I welcome each and every one of these endings. They rarely stay very long. Just long enough to herald the beginnings that I didn’t know were on their way.

I see the ending’s coming, and I will deal with them. I always do, and I always make it out just fine.

But I still see them coming, and I’m only human. I can’t help it.

It makes me feel sad.


Jim out.