Great American Poets Can Be Really Sensitive, Sometimes...

"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again."
- Maya Angelou

"Yeah...but what if we had a time machine? Then we could relive history, for sure!"
- Jimmy Kayak

"Shut up, Kayak."
- Maya Angelou

"Geez...I was just saying..."
- Jimmy Kayak

"I swear to God. If you say one more word, I'm going to punch you in the throat. One punch. Right in the throat."
- Maya Angelou

Pause

I’ve decided that I enjoy pauses.

Most people think pauses are bad things. Awkward. A momentary time of mourning, or reflection of something lost. Sometimes, a prelude to some sort of plangent wailing.

But those aren’t pauses.

Those are silences. That’s different.

I’m talking about pauses. Those little moments of reflection that happen at various points of your day…lots of various points if the day in question happens to be a good one.

A good pause lets you take in the moment you find yourself in. It helps you realize, not only that you’re appreciating that moment, but why. A good pause allows you to catch up with the times that you find yourself in. It’s the metaphysical equivalent to synchronizing your watch.

I can always tell when I’m watching a good movie by the number of times I press “pause” on the DVD player. I always know that I’m reading a good book by the number of times I stop reading and look out the window, thinking about what I’ve just read. Trying to store it in my brain. Hoping that, at the right moment in the future, I’ll be able to call it back up.

I know that not everyone feels this way. Some people seem afraid of pauses. They try to fill in the gaps with useless chatter. They don’t want to take the time to think, because they’re afraid of what they’re brain might tell them.

I feel really sorry for these people. They’re missing out on some really great pauses. And they’re ruining those pauses for other people as well.

Reader, I hope that you have lots and lots of pauses today. I hope you see something that makes you stop and marvel at how big and crazy this world really is. I hope you hear a song that halts you in mid-step and takes you back to a happy time in your life. I hope you get an idea that forces you to a standstill, truly appreciating all those wonderful things that buzz around in your head.

I wish you at least one very pregnant, very profound pause today. And the presence to appreciate it, when it comes by.



Jim Out.

Our Love is a Platonic Love, But With Fucking

Elaine, Elaine. Sweet, innocent, naive Elaine. Why are you crying? I honestly cannot understand why you are so upset. You asked me to "define our relationship", and I have. It is the rarest of friendships: truly the white sanggumay orchid of camaraderie.

Our love is a platonic love, but with fucking.

Perhaps you are confused by this contradiction in terms. I agree that what I am speaking of may seem like an oxymoron. Platonic relationships tend to lean toward the metaphysical and immaterial, but that is part of what makes our love so beautiful. We have cast off the shackles of what constitutes a normal man/woman relationship in favour of deep love. And fervent fucking.

Please stop carrying on so! The whole coffee shop is staring! How could I possibly know that my answer would cause so much strife? I honestly meant no harm with my response. I hold you in the utmost regard. You are so much more than just a pal or hump-buddy. You are truly my friend. One of my best. We share more than just the occasional pizza, bodily fluids, and a one bedroom apartment. We share a life! A happy life! Filled with laughter and total non-commitment. Joy and vigourous sexual intercourse. Hasn't this always been the state between us?

Do you remember the first time we met? Playing Ultimate? How incredible are the fates, to have orchestrated such a collision. Who would have thought that one misthrown Frisbee would lead to such a meaningful affinity? The past three years have been simply magical. We're practically inseparable. Sure, there are days that I feel that we should be apart. After all, we don't want people to get the wrong idea about us. But the fact is, my other friends don't know me the way you do. The austere is not there. They fail to ease my misgivings or linger in my erogenous zones.

What now? Usually I know just the right thing to say. But today, I seem to be making things worse. How can you wail at so beautiful a harmony as ours? This is an acquaintance that transcends the notions of physical love and tends toward the spiritual...almost. I will admit that we can be quite carnal. At times, we're almost like a couple...

What did I say? Whatever it is, I'M SORRY!

Elaine, don't leave! Obviously I've offended you, and I want to make things right. I'm starting to think that you have no idea what our friendship means to me. This truly shakes me to the core. I tried to make my feelings known at Christmas, when I gave you that very ring on your left hand. I had a little speech prepared that day, explaining how I feel, but you were so busy squealing and calling all your friends, that I didn't get a chance to deliver it. What about all those vacations we took together? Or that day I met your grandmother? Did all this mean nothing to you? Is this just a conventional accord to you? Or something more perverted? I've never been so hurt! and to think that I gave myself to you! Numerous times! Just what kind of friend are you?

Fine! Storm off! It's obvious that you have been totally blind to my quixotic affections! Perhaps our love was not as special as I thought! Good bye!

Boy! You can fuck a friend for years, and still never really know them.

Just a Video Today.

Okay, okay...some of you want me to write more stuff about Achiel. And I probably will. But right now I gotta concentrate on composing scripts for the children. They pay me to be here, so I should probably make it worth their while.

So, here is a clip from my current favorite show, Flight of the Conchords.

For those of you who haven't seen it...check it out. It's hilarious and smart, which means that it's destined to be cancelled in the first couple of seasons.

Is anyone else driven crazy by the fact that stupid people dictate what gets to stay on T.V? They don't understand brilliant writing, like Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, Undeclared, or Arrested Development, so shows like this get the ax.

Meanwhile total garbage gets to stay on the air. Well...at least Jim Belushi gets to have a career.

Sometimes the fact that we live in a world catered to idiots, and run by rich old white men really makes me angry. I should treat my anger in a healthier way. I should be more like Bret. When I get angry, I should dance.

Here is the Angry Dance, from Flight of the Conchords.

Enjoy.


Jim Out.