I've got seven weeks left of my contract. My mighty cruise ship is now on a steady loop from Miami, down to the Dominican Republic and the Virgin Islands, up to the Bahamas, and back.
And I have had enough.
Not in a horrible way. It's not like I'm in the Gulag, or anything. It has its pleasant moments. At times, it's been downright nice.
It's just that my life in Toronto is nicer, and I'm looking forward to coming back. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my porch. And I miss walking around a city where's there's always cool shit to do.
Anyway, enough whinging.
Now that I've completed more than half my contract, I suppose it's time to collect some thoughts. Let me cast my mind back, and see what kernels of wisdom I've picked up from a life at sea.
From the top of my head:
1) It's the sad truth, but...most old people just aren't very interesting.
2) If you've traveled anywhere on a cruise ship, it doesn't really count as traveling.
3) It's okay to be a slow walker. Just don't be a slow weaver.
4) There is a huge weight problem in North America.
5) 4 weeks is entirely too long to be on a cruise ship.
6) Number 5 is a tough realization when you're four weeks into a four month contract.
7) Ship Security pays attention when you wear your life-vest everywhere you go.
8) People who are impossible to please are, ultimately, best ignored.
9) Bad Religion rocks!
10) So does snorkeling.
11) CNN really doesn't tell you anything important.
12) At all.
13) Ever.
14) The Philippino term for vegetarian is “Green Man”.
15) If you are the cast member who doesn't have a mustache, and who isn't 6 feet tall, people won't recognize you when you're in the elevator.
16) Which means you don't ever have to make pleasant chatter about the show, yourself, or life on the ship.
17) HOORAY!
18) If you can't sing it to a child, it probably isn't a very good song.
19) Having a name tag tattooed on your chest is an excellent icebreaker on the beach.
20) You can bring The Brothers Karamazov with you on a ship. But you still probably won't read it.
21) You should, though. It's an awesome book.
22) Also, you can never pack enough Vonnegut.
23) When you're trapped on a cruise ship, Iggy Pop's “The Passenger”, while gaining a new sense of irony, can still be listened to without feeling like a cliche.
24) That song will always be awesome!
25) Brunch at a buffet is a very poor excuse for brunch.
26) Art is the metaphysical equivalent to taking a really great dump.
27) Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End is the second best movie of all time.
28) Every single other movie that has ever been made is tied for first.
29) Two months is far too long a time to go without petting a dog.
30) When you're drowning, you still try to think up some really cool last words.
31) Pretending you don't love somebody anymore doesn't make you stop loving them.
32) The more people talk, the less people listen.
33) When you're on the running track, and somebody is walking in front of you, the best way to get their attention is to slap your feet on the ground as you're running, so they'll hear you coming and get out of your way.
34) A running track is a thousand times less boring than a treadmill.
35) High Park is a hundred billion times less boring than a running track.
36) When a fellow Torontonian tells you Toronto got another 3 inches of snow, and a fellow Winnipegger tells you that it's -40 in Winnipeg, it doesn't make you stop missing home.
37) Most people that have to wear a suit to work every day also have to wear a loud Hawaiian shirt when they're on vacation. This is because they've been conditioned on what to wear all their lives.
38) I guess you could say that they're worn out!
39) HA HA HA HA!
40) It's hard to feel manly when you're hanging out with a guy who punched a shark in the face.
41) Jimmy Buffet is very, very rich.
42) Jimmy Kayak is very, very bored.
That's all I've got. Hope you enjoyed.
7 weeks to go!
Jim out.
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