My sister, who works for an environmental organization, sent me the following article...
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2006-09/20/content_693263.htmFor those of you who don't feel like reading the article, I'll paraphrase. It's about a tourist who tried to hug a giant panda…and got bitten.
Now, I realize that hugging a giant panda is a really stupid thing to do. Hugs are pretty much a human habit. Well…I suppose some monkeys may like to hug.
Okay…hugs are pretty much a human/possibly simian habit. And hugging is generally something that doesn't occur between members of a different species. Well…I guess bears hug humans, sometimes…but that's usually to kill them, so that doesn't really count.
Anyway, I realize that you can't hug an animal without expecting to get bitten, stung, mauled, or eaten alive. Nevertheless, if you could hug an animal, the following species would be on my list.
1) Polar Bear
Screw Pandas! Polar Bears are the most awesome bear or bear-like creature on the planet. They're huge, and super-strong, and they're fur is white, which I think is pretty cool. Not in a racist way, you understand. I treat black bears and polar bears with equal respect. But, being a Canadian, my love of polar bears has been firmly entrenched since childhood.
Also, polar bears are going to be homeless soon. Global Warming is happening, and we humans are too stupid to do anything about it. In a few decades, all the polar bears in the world are going to be swimming around, looking for ice-caps, thinking "What the fuck!". This makes me sad.
If doing so didn't end in a painful death, I'd walk right up to a polar bear, wrap my arms around him, and sort-of pat him on the back of the head. I'd say "Hey buddy…it's okay. It's going to work out, somehow". And maybe he'd lift me up a bit (because they're pretty tall), and softly sob into my shoulder. Then I'd invite him to live with me, and whenever somebody pissed me off, I'd sic Garry on them.
Garry would be his name. It's a good name for a polar bear.
2) Wandering Albatross 
Wandering Albatross have the largest wingspan of any bird, averaging at 3.5 metres, from wingtip to wingtip! That allows for some pretty serious hugging action!
Also, the Wandering Albatross are really cool animals. They can spend up to a year and a half gliding around the ocean, without touching land. That's pretty amazing. The best thing about them, though, is that they mate for life. I think that's really romantic.
I'd find a nice Wandering Albatross family, give them all a hug, and congratulate them for working so hard on their relationship. Then I'd read them The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, to prove to them that humans have respect for the Albatross.
Or, if they didn't have time for a reading, I'd just play them the Iron Maiden Song…
3) Western Painted Turtle
I used to live in a small town, in Manitoba that held a Turtle Derby every year. The turtles that they raced were Western Painted. They even had a gigantic statue of a Western Painted Turtle as a tourist attraction. It had speakers on it, and when you pushed a button it would say "If you step on my toe, I'll step on your car".
This may account for some of the affection I have for them, but it's more than just a pining for the wheat fields that earns this critter a hug.
Western Painted Turtles are the hippies of the natural world. They're favorite past-time is basking in the sun. They eat bugs and fish when they're young, but turn into vegetarians when they get older. And, best of all, they've got amazing designs painted on their bellies! Check this shit out:
Hey...I just had a startling realization. I like basking in the sun, too. I ate meat when I was younger, but have been a vegitarian for a few years, now. And I have a really cool tattoo on my chest!
Holy shit! I may be a Western Painted Turtle!
I would travel to southwest Manitoba, find a prime basking spot for Western Painted Turtles, and explain the similarities between myself and their kind. After the hugs are done, I'd probably just hang out with them for a while, and chill. We'd look up at the stars and talk about deep stuff. I'd pass some beers around. If one of them lit up a joint, it's cool. Although, I'm not sure how they could roll one with those little claws of theirs...
4) Great White Shark
When I was performing on the cruise ship, one of my best buds was this German guy named Patrick. One of the coolest things about him was that he was something like a level 10 diver, and had all sorts of crazy stories about his various underwater adventures. But the coolest thing about him?
He once punched a shark in the face. It was about to attack him, and the best defence against a shark attack is hitting them in the snout, where there are all kinds of sensitive nerve endings.
He punched a shark! In the face!
That is just awesome. How many people can say that they punched a shark in face? Not very many. That's how many.
Punching a shark in the face can only be topped in one way...giving a shark a hug. If I managed to hug a shark, and live to tell the tale, I would pretty much be the most righteous fucker on the planet. Hands down.
5) Nine Banded Armadillo
Armadillos are, seriously, one of the coolest animals ever. Every time I see an armadillo, I just want to give it a big ol' bear hug…but not the killing kind.
A lot of people think that an armadillo is a marsupial. That's stupid. Armadillos are mammals. Marsupials live in Australia
*. Armadillos are only found in the Americas. Geez, people…get it together!
Armadillos are great diggers, but that's not why I'd hug one. They're just so friggen' cool looking! Also, they're becoming an endangered species, due to (big surprise) human encroachment. I feel bad about that.
After I got down to Texas, and gave an armadillo a hug, we'd shoot the shit. Hopefully I wouldn't have to hug an armadillo that supports George W. Bush.
Despite the long list of animals I would hug, there is one animal that I would NEVER hug…under ANY circumstances. That animal is…
1) The Three-Toed Sloth 
UGH…forget it! Three-toed sloths are just plain creepy! Have you seen the size of those claws? And they've always got a very sinister leer on their face. Mark my words: the three-toed sloth is hiding something. My theory is that they're not really as slow as everybody says they are. I think they're actually super-fast, and they're just pretending to be slow to lull us all into a false sense of security. Then, when we're all not paying attention…they'll strike! And the Day of the Sloth will be upon us!
Also, when I was a kid, I used to have nightmares about being chased by a three-toed sloth. No matter how fast I ran, he was always right behind me…lumbering a long, leering in that creepy, sloth-like way…
Fuck you, Three-toed Sloth! I don't care that you're related to the armadillo. No hugs for you!
Jim out.
*Yeah, yeah...except the opossum.
I don't find it confusing that they spelled puppy wrong. That's just a typo. What confuses me is the picture.
