Stuff I Think Would Be a Good Idea #1: Beer Bank

It's been a while since I posted on the old blog. I wish I could tell you that I was too busy...but I'd be a lying sack of shit if I did. So I won't.

The truth is, I was the opposite of busy. I was lazy. Lazy as fuck. For a few weeks there I had some bucks in the bank and a free and open schedule. So I took a little down time. It was nice...but now it's done. Time to rip myself off my crappy old couch and do something! Writing in my blog counts as something (I think), so I've decided to launch another feature in my already cram-holed giant mess of ramblings.

This one is entitled: Stuff I Think Would Be A Good Idea.

It involves me telling you stuff that I think would be a good idea. Here's the first one.

The Beer Bank

A lot of people in this world, enjoy beer. It contains more hops than water does, so it's more tasty. It contains more C02 than water does, so it's more bubbly. And it contains more alcohol than water does, so it's more cold. It can also get you more drunk than water, but that's really just a side-benefit.

The thing that I've noticed about beer is that, in our culture, it's become more than just a delicious beverage. In most social circles it's become a currency. Think about it. How many times have you offered/been offered beer for goods or services? When you help a buddy move, you get beer. When you lend your brand new drill to a buddy who wants to put up a shelf? Beer. When you help a buddy out with a Zombie Short Film Festival he's planning?


Beeeer!

I think this is a fantastic practice, and I encourage it whenever possible. Lot's of people love beer, and if we can use it as a stimulant to helping our fellow man AS WELL as a depressant to forgetting our problems, we make beer twice as useful.

The problem is that this beer currency system can sometimes be unreliable. We're busy people. We can't always get together with our benefactor to reap the sweet sweet beer that we've earned. Also, unlike money, there's a limit to how much beer you can actually accept as payment before you are a drunken mess. This severely limits the reach of beer currency.

So I propose the Beer Bank.

It's a relatively simple idea. All we need is a third party to keep track of our beer accounts, and inform us of just how much beer we are entitled to, who owes us said beer, and who, in turn, we owe beer to.

Let's see this plan in action:

Person A (Let's call him Karl) helps his buddy Person B (Earl) move into his new apartment. Moving is never fun, but this move is particularly nasty. Couches are involved, as well as armchairs, a queen-sized bed, a dresser, a desk, and one of those giant egg-shaped chairs that you can't quite get a grip on.

Plus there's stairs.

There is also a huge box of vintage porn tapes that accidentally spilled open on the above-mentioned stairs. This lead to quite a bit of awkwardness between Karl and Earl.

And to make things worse, Karl is the only one who bothered to show up to help Earl move. This is mostly because:

1) Earl's kind of creepy and:

2) Nobody paid attention to Earl's poorly-spelled Facebook note that he posted just 4 hours prior to the move.

Geez, Earl...nice one. And what's with the spelling mistakes? YOU HAVE A MACBOOK! They underline spelling mistakes for you to find and correct, you dick!

But I digress. Needless to say, this is a 20 beer job at least. But there's no way Karl can cash in on this richly-deserved bounty, because he's a busy guy. He just doesn't have the time to sit in Earl's shitty basement apartment getting knackered on Laker Lager while Earl sits eerily close to him on the couch playing a song he wrote on his out-of-tune guitar.

Also, that porn really freaked him out. Seriously. Passing out in Earl's lair is a REALLY bad idea.

So Karl calls the Beer Bank. A helpful representative answers his call and writes in his account just how much beer he is owed. He also makes a note in Earl's account just how many beers he owes.

20 beer job - two beers consumed after the move in Earl's shitty basement bachelor - 1 beer user fee to Beer Bank = A surplus of 17 beers in Karl's account.


Easy!

This system will also allow us to transfer beers to other parties to pay off beer debts. For example, Karl may owe Nancy a beer for taking one of his shifts at the coffee shop when he forgot to book off his girlfriend's birthday party. A simple consultation with the beer bank, and voila! Earl now owes Nancy that beer, and only 16 to Karl.

But Nancy...don't leave that beer unattended near Earl. Just sayin'...

With the Beer Bank in place, everybody benefits. We're more open to helping each other get shit done, and everybody gets delicious frosty beer.


So let's make this happen!

I'd love to sit here and type more amazing ideas for your entertainment, but I really do have to ACTUALLY do something now. The Zombie Short Film Festival is looming ever closer (Oct. 30! Revue Cinema! Be there!), and there's still much postering, emailing, and zombie-movie-watching to be done.

So long folks! And up yours, Earl!


Jim out.